Blarney!

In observation of St. Patrick's Day, I had a few thoughts to put down. Here is why I morally object to St. Patty's Day.

1) I understand Irish culture, for the most part. Obviously, since I'm not Irish, I won't get it completely. However, I don't think I need it shoved down my goddamn throat. Yeah, I get it. You're Irish and you're proud of it. I don't care. At. All.

2) Speaking of my non-Irish heritage, I find the "everyone's Irish today" gesture a bit much. What if you don't want to be Irish for a day? What If I'm happy with my Italian/Polish/Slovenian/French Canadian/Scottish heritage? Is that wrong?

3) I don't particularly care for Irish music, and I don't want to hear it at work all day. The thing is, I don't think I would mind it if the Irish haven't bestowed upon us the abomination that is Riverdance. I mean, come on. Haven't you done enough?

4) Do college students really need another reason to get completely blitzed? They can't think of enough on their own?

5) I don't appreciate the co-opting of the color green.

6) While we're on the subject of green, if I don't wear it today, I get pinched. So, not only is it encouraged that I wear a stolen color, it's enforced. I've had a standing order since I was about 19: if you pinch me on St. Patrick's Day, I will destroy you.

6a) What about the colorblind? Should they be punished just because they don't know they're not wearing green?

7) Green beer? The only thing more disgusting than that is the fact that for at least two weeks after the 17th, the beer at our favorite local taverns slowly decays from a bright green to a putrid pukey green, until eventually the beer returns to its normal state.

8) Maybe this is just from my personal college experience and maybe you've never heard of this, but Kegs 'N' Eggs? Fuck you.

9) Finally, the fact that those of us who don't celebrate tonight have to put up with increased traffic cops on the roads, and the hungover asses of those that did celebrate tomorrow at work.

Now, here's the disclaimer. I don't have anything against the Irish. They have some wonderful whiskeys. So don't take this as an affront to your entire culture, just today.

Now, sleep!