These things I have learned.

This isn't something I normally do, but I thought that it would be something at least mildly entertaining, just like the rest of this blog.

Relationships, as the cliché goes, take some work. A lot of this work hangs on communication. You have to learn how to communicate effectively.

This means that, not only do you have to make sure you verbalize your thoughts and actions clearly, but you also have to learn how to listen to your partner. You have to understand what they mean when they say something.

This kind of goes along the lines of speech patterns, meaning that if a certain word or phrase is used, it has its own unique meaning, and you have to understand what the intended meaning is, regardless of the word. For instance, this is something that happened the other night:

Amy: "Honey, I'm going to do the laundry, so go separate your clothes."


This statement is a bald-faced lie on the surface. Because ten minutes later, after my laundry was separated into neat piles on the floor, and I returned to my television, Amy said this while carrying in a basket full of dirty clothes:

"Ok, you wanna help?"

This statement has its own meaning, but I'll get to that shortly. What I wanted to talk about was the bald-faced lie. The phrase in question is, "I'm going to do the laundry." I'm. You see, in order for her statement to be 100% accurate in both syntax and intended meaning, the statement would have to go, "We're going to do the laundry."

The second statement, the question, isn't a question at all, but a very in/direct request. The problem isn't the words, but rather the punctuation at the end. That statement should be:

"Ok, you wanna help."

And these are the things you have to learn if you're in a relationship. You understand the difference between what your partner says and what they mean.

You also have to learn that anything you say can and will be used against you. After the question was asked, my initial thought was, "No, I do not." But that's between me and my brain. I wouldn't actually say that. My balls are too precious to me.




One last thing to mention is that you have to have preternatural para psychic abilities. You have to read minds. When she has a few spare hours in the morning, Amy likes to sleep in, and on mornings off I usually get up no later than 9:30 whether or not I've got the entire day off. I've made the mistake in the past of trying to wake Amy up before she wills it to be so, and it usually goes like this:

I say, "Hey baby, it's x o'clock. You wanna get up?"
Amy says (in a manner of speaking), "Ten more minutes." I leave the room, and then come back in ten minutes.
I say, "Hey baby, it's time to get up."
She says something along the lines of, "I'll get up when I want." I sigh frustratingly and leave the room, which can coerce her into getting up. She comes into the living room, lays down on the couch with the blanket, and groans whenever I try to get near her.

So, one day the conversation (of sorts) went like this:

The night before, Amy says, "Don't wake me up tomorrow, I don't have to work until 1."
I say, "Okay, that sounds good."
In the morning, I wake up when I usually wake up on mornings off and say, "I'm gonna get up, ok?"
"Okay."
I then leave the room, shut the door behind me, proceed to make my coffee and sit down on the couch and switch on my morning CNN Headline News.
11:30 rolls around. Amy comes out of the bedroom and says the following:

"Why did you let me sleep this late?"


I laughed sadly, defeated.