Sunday, November 25, 2007

I really can't help it.

This is meant to point out the inherent smart-alecky quality I have that I can't really get rid of.

At work last week, a woman was looking at the coffee bins and asked the following question:

"Where is the Sumatra from?"

Now, in my mind I kind of know what the answer is that she's looking for, but before I can answer, I give her a very matter-of-factly answer:

"Sumatra."

She scoffs a little, looks at the tag which contains the answer she wants, but was too lazy to look at in the first place, and goes away. Works for me.

Monday, November 12, 2007

I'm not that good at this.

I suck at updating things. But here's something I have to get out of the way now:

That's Lucy. She's nice. Moving on.

I know it's been a while, but dammit, there's not a whole lot that's new. I haven't seen anything in the theater since Eastern Promises, and while it was amazing, I kind of missed the bandwagon writing about it.

Work's been stressful lately. I'm slowly meandering into the territory labeled, "somewhat possibly searching for a new job maybe." However, I did get some good news on the job front, and it relates to a contest I didn't really try for in the first place. There's been a contest going on for quite some time, and when it started I didn't try all that hard because I estimated my chances of winning as being considerably low. However, as sales updates frequented, it became clear I was going to win, lest something freaky happen to ruin it, like last Christmas (which feeds it the "me not trying very hard" motif). Well, on Friday the final results came in, and I won a trip to Nicaragua for a week, to take place in February.

The rules were such that they allowed stores of all sizes to compete equally, meaning that the winner would have the highest sales as a percentage of the total store sales. So a higher-income store would have to sell more dollar-wise than a store whose total sales are smaller. That being said, not only did I win in my group of regions (there are 11 regions in the company, and they were put together into four groups) as a percentage of store sales, but dollar-wise I also sold the second-largest amount in the company. So, you know, eat it.


So why do I still feel like anything I do at work isn't enough? More at 11, or something.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Willing Test Subject

A few weeks ago Amy and I went grocery shopping and had a blast. We had three amazing things happen to us.

The first thing happened at the deli counter. I was taking care of that, telling the woman what I wanted and how much, and Amy was waiting at the shopping cart, about two feet behind me. While the woman was slicing our final selection, I got a phone call. I step back and tell Amy to take care of the rest, and answer the phone. While I'm talking on the phone, Amy told me later, a woman and her child also at the deli counter were waiting on their food. The woman looks at me, and then looks at the sign posted near the deli counter and read it aloud, saying "Please finish all cell phone calls before placing orders at the deli counter." Her child asks, "Mommy, why did you read that out loud?" The woman pointed to me and says, "because of him." She said that as if Amy is a complete imbecile and could not talk to a human being and say "No, thanks, that's all we need. Thanks a lot!" I wanted to find the woman again somewhere in the store, approach her and offer her my open cell phone and say, "Hey, I got this phone call, and they asked for a rude, dumb bitch. I think they may want to talk to you."

The second thing that happened was at the checkout line. The clerk was a middle-aged woman, probably mid-to-late 50s. When it got to be our turn, a younger manager-type came up and said something whimsical and left, prompting the woman to say something like, "He could suck the wind out of a tornado..." After that, Amy and I had a brief discussion on who would be paying this time, because the way we do it is, one of us pays, and then the other writes a check for half later. I said that I had paid last time, and she agreed that she would swipe her card this time around. The woman asked, "Are you married?"
Amy replied, "No, we're not - we're actually just engaged."
The woman turned to me and said, "Well, close enough. She's pretty much paid up half through the rest of her life."
I let that linger for a moment, and instead of saying, "What the fuck is wrong with your brain," I just smiled and nodded. The woman, noticing this, said, "Yeah, the smile and nod - better get used to it!"
I smiled and nodded more, which I deemed more appropriate than saying, "Don't fucking say that to me."
The wedding is more than a year away yet, and I'm already tired of the, "better get used to it" sentiment. But, as my brother quipped, "better get used to that."

Finally, after we loaded the groceries into my car, I took the cart back to the parking lot corral. When I was putting the cart in, I noticed another cart there that still had two bags in it: one with two loaves of bread, and another with a box of donuts. I thought for a second, and returned to the car to ask Amy if I should grab the bags. I believe, "Uh, yeah..." was her response. So I went back to the cart and grabbed the bags, returned to the car and chucked them in my backseat. Upon driving home, Amy and I had a discussion about the origins of the bags. Our favorite, however minimally probable, was that the bags were left there on purpose and there was a group of teenagers huddled in a car possibly with a camera trained on the cart or with notebooks in their hands, taking notes furiously as each person inspected the cart and left the bags there, until I happened upon them. Maybe they took notes as they watched me check out the bags, return to the car, go back to the cart to grab the bags return to my car again with the bags and drive off. And you know what? Fine. If they want to take notes about me doing all of that, that's fine. I can live with that, being an anonymous participant in a social experiment. It's good for their education. And furthermore, we got some free bread and donuts.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I've been this way a while now

It's been a while since an update, but here we go.

I moved, and it's going well, despite some minor move-in issues.
I saw a pretty cool Modest Mouse show, had some good times.
Black Swamp was pretty fun, despite the lack of good shows and a lot of rain.

Yesterday, however, was very interesting for me. I won't go into a whole lot of details because I feel it may be inappropriate. However, suffice it to say that there was a work-related incident involving me, my self defense-induced attitude and what I call a miscommunication, but was made abundantly clear to me that my opinion of the situation is completely and entirely irrelevant.

I'm still a little sore about it, but it is also clear to me that I have no control over the situation, and any attempt to rectify it is merely a waste of my time.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

More coming soon

Amy and I have moved recently, and it's been pretty hectic. Haven't had a chance to post anything real. However, please watch this video. It features Michael and Jonah from Superbad on a press junket being interviewed by Edgar Wright, writer and director of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.

Friday, July 13, 2007

The slow(-)moving process

For the past few days Amy's been away on business in New York, and for the most part I've been busy enough to keep my mind off the fact that it's to damn quiet around here without her, but today has been quite the opposite.

Right now I'm on my fourth movie of the day, and I've only left the apartment twice. I did some laundry, took out the trash and ordered some take-out Chinese for dinner.
I feel like such a shut-in today.


Oh, and I packed some boxes.

Friday, June 29, 2007

This is what it feels like

Today reminded me of the truly fragile nature of the human mind. At any second, and under the right conditions, any one of us could...just...snap. And we would be lost, adrift whatever we got lost in in the first place.

I'm sitting here watching a movie, halfway through a bottle of red wine. How did I get here, in this frame of mind? You be the judge.

Today was a weird shift for me - a mid. Due to the fact that we've been understaffed this week, it was the only shift in my department for the day. The drive was normal, nothing happened. Of course, when I got to work, walking through the parking lot, I was almost backed into by a woman driving a large SUV, who naturally wasn't looking behind her. It would be folly of me to expect otherwise.

Upon arriving I am notified of an odd shipment that arrived in another department, but that sounds like it should have been delivered to mine. I said I'd check it out. I clock in and check out my backstock, as is my habit. Lo and behold, a considerably large pallet of materials is placed directly in front of a shelving unit of mine, making my product completely and totally inaccessible. Fantastic.

The shipment that arrived was very obviously for me, but the other department started using it, thinking that it really had been meant for them, and they were just changing things up on a complete whim. Because that's how business works.

When I go to check my work email, I am notified of a sale that requires a substantial amount of a certain product tomorrow. However, upon investigating, I find out that the product in question isn't accessibly to me for another 6 days. Couldn't I have been notified of this a whole lot earlier, then we could make it worth something?

This has all happened in a half hour. At the time, I was thinking, "Am I losing my shit? Is this all really happening, or is it in my mind? Am I gonna wake up?" It was real.

On top of that, customers were being really needy and demanding, which did wonders for my frame of mind. Eventually, I go back to the office and someone asks me if there's anything wrong, because I have this bewildered, confused look on my face.
"Well, I was kind of angry before, but now I think I'm past that, and bordering on crazy. Ah, man, I'm fuckin' losin' my mind..."

Later on, near the end of my shift, which was spent dealing with the ramifications of the first half hour of my shift, I begin cleaning my equipment, which I notice is spraying water for no reason. So now I have to deal with this. I call the emergency maintenance who helps me fix it, and it works for a minute. And then it begins spraying water again. So now I'm dealing with customers, cleaning up my area and trying to fix my machine.
I try doing other things to my machine, which doesn't help. Now the machine is inoperable for probably the entire weekend, which makes things look really bad for me. At this point, I'm wondering, "Is Cronenberg running my life? Should I be pulling a gun out of my chest? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH ME TODAY?!" All this while still being convinced that reality is fading away from me, a joke, a punchline that you understand but makes you consider rather than laugh.

So, after leaving, getting stuck in traffic for 40 minutes on the way home and finally walking through the door, I've cracked a bottle of wine and put in a movie...and here I am. My frame of mind being brought from the brink of oblivion by something that sends the rest of you into it. Whatever works, I guess.

Whatever works.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The course of a short period of time

I've been living in Columbus for about a year now, and recently I've been reflecting on the course of events that occurred over the past year that have led to now. And it seems that more has happened within the last month and a half than has happened over the other ten and a half.

Over the last year I moved to this city looking for a job related to the degree I had just obtained, only to find that pursuit fruitless. I had found a job at the company I work for now, glad to be making a higher wage than I'd ever been paid before, let alone having a job at all. I also moved laterally and up slightly in the company, leaving the radius of my original job search slowly behind me, creeping away. This was aided by a resurgence in my pursuit of trying to find out if I really do want to teach. But no one will let me.

I also saw my brother obtain his second degree and then pursue a further degree he had a good chance to be a part of, but would ultimately be left without an answer for what seemed to be an eternity, a purgatory in northwest Ohio. He didn't get the chance to shine in the Sunshine State, because an irrelevant test told the administrators he wasn't qualified, though they had every other sign he would not succeed, but exceed.


Within the past month and a half I became engaged to a truly beautiful and amazing woman, and that woman has come into her own as a truly accomplished professional, earning her second degree in half as many years. I've never been so in love and I don't expect that to change, not ever.

Also in the recent past I saw a different perspective of a friend, someone I enjoy joking with, that revealed a deep sadness that reminded me of the truly fragile nature of the human psyche and the emotions that accompany it, and that I'll never forget.

Finally, as of the next few days, the last month and a half has brought about the death and subsequent burial of a family friend that died for a conflict he never knew the truth about.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just attempting to figure out my part in all of it. I go to work, and I come home. I watch a ton of movies and I wonder if there's something else I should be doing.

Is there something else I should be doing?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Completely uncalled for

Apparently I provoke a lot of anger at work, without really even meaning to.

Here's the scene: in the back office there's a series of computers, each one meant for a different department. The offending ([unreasonably] offended?) party was sitting at his computer, and I went to sit down at my computer, seeing that there was a box in the way of where my legs would be, had I sat down. So I moved the box to the right, between my chair and the schmo, sat down and logged on. The guy was mad for some reason.

"Woah, woah, woah. Hold on there."
"What?"
"Isn't that Kathleen's box?"
"Yeah..........and?"
"That doesn't belong in my space."

I ignore that last comment and continue my typing. A few seconds later, Mr. Jackass grabs the box by one of its top flaps and yanks it backwards, sliding it quickly to the middle of the room, under the big table in the middle of the room.

Reasonably perplexed, I ask, "Was that really offending you?"
"Are you still talking?"
"Awesome. Way to deal with others."

Now, here's where I become a little proud of myself. Instead of asking him, "Hey, what the fuck's your goddamn problem," because there were other people in the room, I decided on another route.

I finished up my work, logged off the computer and went towards the box. I pulled it back, placed it exactly where it had offended him, and walked out of the room.

I don't know what it is about me, but for some reason I provoke angry retribution from other people, unknowing that I had trespassed some social rule in the first place.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Everyone's an expert

At work yesterday, an older man wearing a baseball cap adorned with an American flag approached my coffee and began telling a younger-looking woman, presumably his daughter, all about the different coffees, and about coffee in general. I came over and asked there was anything I could help them find, and the man regales me with his story.

"You see, I've worked for Nestle for 25 years, so I know coffee. I know coffee in and out."
"Oh, ok," I said, thinking to myself whether that was Maxwell House or Folgers (turns out it's neither, but I'll get to that).
He continues, "You've gotta blend your good beans here with some trash beans to give your coffee some heart." And before I could tell him everything that was wrong with that statement, he says, "that's a good American cup of coffee."
"I see," I reply, thinking that, if that's what an American cup is, I don't want to drink American coffee. So he blends a bunch of different coffees in his bag, regardless of the pricing differences, which I tell him is alright, and I mark the lowest price of what he got.
"Yeah, if you wanna drink Idi Amin's coffee, you've gotta throw some trash in there." At this point I'm thinking I'll have to ask one of my co-workers which country Idi Amin ruled, and if that particular nation was ever a coffee producing nation.

So he leaves, and I'm left processing everything that had just happened. I go over to one of my friends to ask about Idi Amin, and it turns out he ruled Uganda, which they all remembered because of the film The Last King of Scotland. And this morning I looked up which coffee company is owned by Nestle. It's Nescafe, which I should've seen coming. However, upon perusing the brands offerings, I notice a pattern, which is that all of Nescafe's coffees are all instant coffees, the lowest rung on the coffee ladder.

"I know coffee in and out."

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It's a difference in context

It occurred to me the other day while shopping at Best Buy that I should avoid smiling and saying hello to children while I am not at work.

Because, you see, at work, saying hello to children that are tagging along with their parents is like saying, "I'm really not even trying to sell you something, but if you bought something, gee, that'd be nice."

But a bearded man in his early 20s (but I do get confused for being in the 25-30 bracket), wearing shorts and a t-shirt, perusing the DVD section for anything that happens to be on sale, saying hello to random children seems suspect.

I caught myself waving childishly at an 8 year old when I thought, "If this little boy turns up missing, they're going to review the security tapes at this store and haul my ass in first."

So I just plain walked away and didn't look at anyone else in the store. I thought about how having children makes it okay to say hello to random children, but having none at all eradicates any possibility of being polite without the parent looking at you like you're someone they saw on that show where they trick pedophiles into showing up to a rendezvous, Arbor Mist and condoms in hand, only to find an upset looking reporter and a bored looking camera crew.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Real news

Hello, sorry to break the tradition of the last three or four posts, but I actually had something to say. You see, something very good happened to me the other day.

I got engaged.

A woman actually agreed that spending the rest of her live probably wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Amy, seen here, has agreed to take part in this on Wednesday. I made dinner (Baked, breaded chicken, lemony alfredo sauce served over asiago tortellini) while she took a nap after coming home from dinner, and had it ready when she woke up. We sat down, and before serving dinner, I got down on my knee and proposed. She said something along the lines of "I'll have to think about this." Which is one of the reasons I want to marry her.

Anyway, she said yes and I took away the wine glasses and replaced them with champagne flutes, then took the bottle I hid in the back of the fridge out and opened it. "We have to finish this tonight, you know. Once it sits out too long, you can't drink it anymore."

And that we did.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Another good video

Hey all. I know this is like, the third video I've posted in a row, but hell, it's pretty damn funny. And this was directed by Bob Odenkirk, of "Mr. Show" fame. I will soon be writing a real post, because there's one in order. But watch this for now.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Nothing needs to be said.

Not a whole lot needs to be said about this clip. Just watch it, and you'll understand.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

Cleveland Smith: Bounty Hunter

The following is an old 8mm short by Sam Raimi, starring Bruce Campbell. They did a lot of this kind of thing in high school together, and all of it was this slapsticky. It's actually pretty funny and entertaining. It's only about 10 minutes long, so enjoy. It also features Sam as the Nazi General.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The world crumbling around me

After a near-collision on 270 the other day, I've come back to the idea that my brother and I used to toss around: we are becoming a minority of saneness in the world, and it will become our undoing. You see, as we became increasingly convinced that we are fast becoming the only sane people in the world, it will convince other people that we are the ones that are bat-shit crazy.

You see, here's what happened: I was in the process of getting off of 270 at Sawmill, where I work, when a small car cuts in front of me, almost clipping my front driver side with their rear passenger side. About a second later, then slam on their brakes. Luckily quick with a reaction, I practically jump on my brake pedal, sending me screeching, fishtailing into the shoulder. Of course, I was angry. Who wouldn't be? This kind of shit happens all the time. It's not special.

But here's what made me doubt human nature: I looked a little more closely into the car that had almost fucked me over and saw two small children in the backseat. And here's my initial and, upon reflection, unchanged reaction: these people are fucking breeding! Not only are there inconsideration, self-obsessed assholes everywhere: on the roads cutting people off, at work treating me like shit, in restaurants the nation over being overly demanding and tipping terribl, and so on, but these people are sexing up people that are the same, thus assuring their children will be brought up to be inconsiderate, under-tipping, demanding idiots.

They keep swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool, and the toddlers keep making the water warmer.

If feeling this way makes me crazy, fuck it: drag me off, kicking and screaming, wearing a restraining jacket into a white padded cell, Ken Kesey-style.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Jeff Lombardi: Integrated Language Arts

I got the itch recently to actually do what I went to college for, which is education. So, in an attempt to foster that itch and bring it to fruition, I had the lamest day ever yesterday. I went to a teaching job fair.

It was called TeachOhio and it took place at the OSU stadium. Allow me to run through my day.

So, I get there, all decked out. Tie, nice shirt, the works. I've got ten resumes printed out and I just plain look professional. I go upstairs to where the waiting area is, and see that there are about 500 other people there already. Between 7:15 and 7:45 is the check-in time, and at 8:00 is the time that we are to go to the tables where all the schools from around the country (mostly Ohio, but there is always someone from North and South Carolina, Florida and West Virginia there, because they're all uber desperate). Between the check-in time and the schedule interview time are a few minutes for announcements. The woman comes out, says a few things, mainly that at 8 she will get a signal and she will basically release us all to schedule interviews for the day. After her spiel she gets a question and she says she's going to go ask someone right away. When she leaves (mind you this is still before 8), all the candidates start bum-rushing the tables, and no one stops them.

From then on, it's a cluster fuck of people making a mad dash for their top 5 schools to try and schedule interviews with them. We have an hour and 15 minutes to schedule interviews, but basically if you haven't gotten your schools within the first 10 minutes, you're not going to get to talk to them. This is pretty shitty. I may be more qualified than half those people, but if I don't knock people over to get to the schools I want, the schools will never know it. I came in wanting to talk to nine schools. I got to interview 2 of them.

From 9:30 until 4 is the period of time where we get to do the interviews. They last 20 minutes and we have 10 minutes to get to the next interview. But, since I only got 2 interviews, and not until 11:30, I was glad to have brought a damn book. Everybody waiting is just sitting around, waiting for their turn to impress their schools. And the thing is, the people who run the job fair build up the candidates' hopes by talking about how "oh, it's totally possible to get a job today," and how we should keep our eyes on the message board because "slots open up because sometimes a candidate will get offered a job and cancel the rest of their interviews." But, honestly, that never fucking happens. They lie to us.

Oh, the concessions. Since there were no water fountains in the area we were, we had to buy water to drink. Which was $3 for a bottle of Dasani. Rip! and lunch? You could get a panini for $8. What the fuck? I paid $75 dollars to be there, and they want me to pay $11 dollars for water and a sandwich?

Lame.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The most horrifying thing ever

Amy talked to her dad on the phone yesterday, and she shared with her this story:

Apparently, at the local Wal-Mart, a kitten was left by the owner - just left there, abandoned. Sad, right. Yeah, that sucks. Well, it's a good thing that Amy's dad friend stopped by and decided to take it home, because otherwise the fine people would have PUT THE KITTEN IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR.

Why the compactor? Have they done this sort of thing before? Is it protocol?


This is why Wal-Mart is a horrible employee. They kill kittens.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Completely unrelated

This post has nothing to do with anything, it's just a funny story someone told me a while ago.

So, some of you may be familiar with the Einstein Bagel chain. I'm not sure if this still goes on, and I'm pretty sure this may be a good reason they may not do this anymore, but at the Einstein Bagel stores, they bake all the bagels there in their ovens. If a timer went off for an oven, and there happened to be nothing in that particular oven, it was protocol to yell "Fire in the hole!" to notify coworkers that a hot, empty oven baking nothing is unsafe.

So imagine what happened when a group of World War II veterans stopped by for a little get-together at their local Einstein Bagel restaurant.

Sure enough, one of the employees yelled "Fire in the hole!" and sure enough twenty septuagenarians hit the dirt.

Now, if you have ever worked in a customer service position, you can sympathize with someone who said they just got yelled at by an old guy. Can you imagine, however, getting yelled at, one after the other, by twenty old guys? 20 times in a row hearing, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! We're veterans!"


I was reminded of this by, of course, Grandpa Simpson. "That all happened in 19-diggity-2. We had to use the word 'diggity' because the kaiser took away our word for twenty! I chased him down to get it back, but I gave up after diggity-6 miles."

I love that line.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Futurist from the past

I was thinking the other day about how, back a long time ago, a lot of people were excited about the future. They looked forward to a time when we had hovering cars, automated homes and cleaner ways of living.

Prime example: I loved those Looney Tunes cartoons about the "house of the future." They were my favorites because they seemed relevant to me at the time. It was, "Wouldn't it be great if I could just press a single button and all of my laundry could be done?" They interested me because, well, how realistic were those Bugs Bunny bits? They're just grim.

Anyways, people looked forward to an easier way of living. The microwave was fucking exciting - full meals done in 3 minutes? You've got to be kidding me. Television was new, and the programs were so few that everyone watched pretty much all of them.


Here's my point. According to all that, we live in the future. And you know what? Where's my goddamn hovering car? We don't really live all that cleaner. We should have had them by now, but for various reasons (oil companies!), we don't have them. In fact, we haven't got a whole lot to look forward to in the future. Sure, there are vast advancements in technology occurring everyday, but mostly all that means to the everyday schmoe is, "Well, in a few years, this brand-new laptop will be outdated and slow, so I'll have to buy a new one..."

And while I have techno-joy - I love newfangled gizmos and computers and so on - I have future-dread because I know I'll have to buy new shit every few years. Not only that, but, everything's been invented by now. A long time ago, people looked forward to new things they haven't even thought of yet, or as a certain bounty hunter would say, "the coming thing" (Name that reference!). As best as I can figure, we've thought of everything, from plasma televisions to little platters that let you cook bacon in the microwave.

So where does that leave us? The only thing I can figure, the only link to our future, lies in transportation. Advance that and advance our society. Get us off oil and we won't have to depend on warring nations. We won't have to stick our noses in other peoples' businesses under the guise of democracy.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am futurist that belongs in 1965.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Son of a bitch!

A few weeks ago, I went into Best Buy looking to buy The Comedians of Comedy on DVD. The website had quoted the price as being $14.99, so I was pretty excited. I saw it on Netflix and it was hilariously funny. Well, I went there and the sticker price was $24.99. This being unacceptable, I asked a floor associate to check the price for me, and he pulled up the Best Buy website on the floor computer, and the page also said $24.99.

"Yeah, the site says $24.99," said the floor guy.
"That's so weird, I just checked it at home earlier today," I replied.
"Hm. Well, I guess they must've changed the price between then and now."

So I put the DVD back, disappointed.

This morning I was looking at the Columbus Underground website, when I came across an article about how Best Buy stores have their own intrastore version of the website, which quotes different prices. They do this to dupe the customers into paying higher prices for the product they want. Apparently, they can choose the public version of the site or the employee-only version as they please.

"Those fuckers!"

So I went back to the Best Buy website and printed off the page for The Comedians of Comedy and went back to the store. I picked up the DVD and sure enough, the sticked still said $24.99. So I took it to the customer service desk and asked the guy to check the price.

"The system says $24.99 here."
"Well, I just checked the price at home, and it said $14.99," I said.
"Ah. Well, let me pull that up."
At this point, the guy asked his co-worker how to pull up the website. Meanwhile, I was thinking, "How do you not know how to pull up the website? Have you never used a computer before?"
Eventually he pulled up the website and kind of hesitated for a minute. "So did you want to pick this up, then?" He said that without telling me what the price was.
"What does the website say?"
"Oh, uh, $14.99."
"Okay, I'll take it."

Now, it didn't happen to me this time around, but I was prepared. Here's my advice if this happens to you.

-First of all, print out the site's page with the proper price on it. Take it with you.
-If they have to do a price check and give you a different price, tell them you just looked it up on the site and that it was whatever price it said it was.
-If they feed you the line about it being changed between the time you checked it and now, don't buy it. Tell them that that doesn't seem likely. They may advise you to go home and print it out and bring it back, but you've already printed it out, haven't you? Show them the paper.
-If this proceeds further, ask to talk to a manager. Tell them that it's a bunch of bull, and that legally, they HAVE to give you the advertised price. Hell, if you want, threaten to call the local news affiliate. I mean, you know about the fake site. I just did a Google news search and there are 30 articles about the fake site. Here are the results of that search.
-Something I also did, which may be of use if you intend to bring up the fact that you know it's a fake site, is I printed off one of the articles.

It may seem like being over-prepared, but fuck it - what they're doing is illegal. I won't stand for it, and neither should you.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Just another fucked-up dream

I think I should start posting about all my dreams. They all seem pretty out there. Take the other night, for instance.


I dreamed I was getting a sex change.

Everyone was pretty supportive. I went into the doctor's office to get kind of a what's what in terms of medical issues, and he said everything was a-ok to go ahead with the operation. Mom was cheerful, and everyone else was happy, too.

And I was all gung-ho about it, too. However, the last moment I remember was a moment of doubt. I was anxious and fearful to do this because I knew there was no going back after it was done, and after it was done, I was very afraid of the new hassles of being a woman.

Namely, having to put makeup on everyday.

Having to put makeup on daily dissuaded me from my sex change.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Awkward moment

This is a work-related story, and kind of makes me feel violated and creepy.

So, earlier today at work, I said hi to two women, probably at least 45. I smiled, as I always do when greeting customers, and immediately one of the women flips out.

"Oh, my god, how cute are you!"
"Oh, uh...thanks. Thank you."
She turns to her friend and says, "isn't he just as cute as a button? Aw, and his eyes sparkle!"
I am growing more and more uncomfortable by the second, each of which seem like a minute. "Uh, heh....thanks a lot..."
"How many girlfriends do you have?"
"Oh, just the one."
"So when are you getting married?"
"Well, we'll be getting engaged soon..."
"Ooh, look at his eyes sparkle, you know he's in love!"
("Uh, no, lady, the sparkle in my eye is fear for my life.")
"Ha ha...yeah..." What the hell do I say at this point? I am hoping that she is leaving soon.

Finally she left, and I was left reeling for a minute. No one prepares to hear that. No one wakes up and says "You know what? Today, some lady in her late-40s is going to tell me my eyes sparkle with love."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except

This is for those who have followed the career of Sam Raimi, director of the Evil Dead trilogy and also the Spider-Man trilogy.

Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except (also called Stryer's War) is a perfect example of the saying, "everybody's gotta start somewhere." But that's not to say that this isn't entertaining.

This flick is about a Vietnam vet, Jack Stryker, who gets injured and gets discharged to come back to his hometown. Meanwhile, there's a crazy cult of killers roaming the town, inflicting random murders at their whim (led by Sam himself). So, while Stryker's army buddies are in town, the killers have circled around Stryker's girlfriend. The result is Stryker and his army buddies taking on the entire cult of killers.

I have to say, it's a fun flick to watch. It's low budget and it's got lots of fake blood in it - an equation that almost always attracts me. The performances aren't the best, but they're believable enough not to take away from the film. The strongest, I'd say, is Raimi's cult leader. (While watching it, I point to him on the screen and go, "Amy - you see that guy right there with the hippie wig, the blacked-out tooth and the crazy eyes cutting his had with his sword and smearing his blood on that tied-up guy's face?" "Yeah..." "That's the guy that directed Spider-Man!")

At a short 82 minutes, it's time enough to watch it without feel you're wasting any time on it. It's a fun, guilt-free flick for people interested in seeing the path a now-famous director took to get where he is today. Definitely rent it.

Pictures of Robots, Part III of III

And now, the stunning conclusion to the most epic trilogy since Star Wars Episodes I-III.

This morning I've been pretty busy, actually. I've updated my Record Nerd collection (link to the right!), my DVD Aficionado list (again, link to the right!), and I've been catching up on this. I think it's all to get my mind off of the most fucked-up dream I've had lately from last night.

This perfectly demonstrates how watching something for no more than three minutes can really fuck up your psyche. Last night Amy and I went shopping for her so she could get new work-related clothes for her new job (server at Smokey Bones). When we came home, it was late and I hadn't eaten dinner yet, so I went into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. While I was doing that, Amy took it as the perfect opportunity to squeeze in some guilt-free "American Idol." When I finished making my sandwich, I came into the living room and it was still on, so I put my sandwich down and put in my new The Prestige DVD (great flick!) so we could watch it. However I had to endure a few minutes of Idol.

Anyways, so last night I had the following dream:

I was a contestant on "American Idol." It felt as though I was being pushed into doing it, so when I was on stage, I didn't try very hard and I didn't smile at all. However, everyone thought I did very well, and made it to the next part, which was, apparently a big musical number with all the contestants singing and dancing. The fucked up part here was that, I started to try really hard. I was really conflicted because I would start trying and smiling, but then I would catch myself doing it and was upset. Then after that, I sat down with my family (of course they were there - every other related public embarrassment my family's been there) and watched a quartet sing. One of the singers was a particular ex-girlfriend of mine. I was like, "What the fuck's she doing here?!"

And then one of the singers whipped out a samurai sword and it turned into him doing a martial arts demonstration.

And then, for some reason, I was suddenly in a school circa 1965 where there was a shark loose. Yes, a shark. The school was flooded and there was a shark in it, chomping on the feet of teachers with B-52 haircuts.

Pictures of Robots, Part II of III

It's always a good time when my brother Nick comes up to visit. We go record shopping, comic shopping and just hang out. Basically, we do everything I usually do by myself, only when he's around, it's not entirely pathetic. First off, here's a list of everything I "acquired" over the weekend.

CDs:
The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
Film School - S/T
David Garza - Overdub
Howlin' Maggie - Honeysuckle Strange
Karate - Some Boots
The Make-Up - In Mass Mind
Mastodon - Blood Mountain
Minmae - Le Grand Essor de la Maison du Monstre
Michael Penn - Mr. Hollywood Jr., 1947
Tortoise - S/T
We Ragazzi - The Ache

DVDs:
David Cross - Let America Laugh
Once Upon a Time in the West

VHS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Cave Dwellers
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Eegah
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - The Gunslinger
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Red Zone Cuba


Comics:
Army of Darkness #13
Army of Darkness vs. Darkman #3
Zombies vs. Robots #2


While walking around on N. High Street, we noticed that the city doesn't give a fuck about shoveling the sidewalks. We noticed this while trudging through the brown-ish snow, commenting about how we should be wearing those tennis racket things on our feet. It felt like we were competing in the Iditarod.

We also stopped into the McDonald's to use the bathroom and grab a small bite, since neither of us had eaten anything yet, and it was about 4 pm. We had the most fucked-up, David Lynchian McDonald's experience ever. The girl took my order and then walked away and stood back, staring at me. Just eye-balling me. No idea why. The other woman was on the phone with someone she was obviously upset with. There was a probably 70 year-old woman making our food behind the line. The same thing happened to Nick. The girl was eyeballing him. It made us both very self-conscious. And then when we sat down there was a guy eating a Fishwich that would occasionally look over at us and giggle to himself. We finished our food and left promptly.

When we got in, we had began ripping our CDs into our respective laptops, ripping each other's as well. Amy made a fantastic pasta dish with pancetta. After dinner, we hung out. I bought Amy a computer game, so when I was done ripping CDs, she took over and played her game most of the night. Nick and I watched a movie called Thou Shalt Not Kill...Except. It's a very early Sam Raimi movie, which I'll probably write about in DVD reviews. After that we put in one of my MST3K videos, which was, naturally, terrible and very hard to follow.

On Monday, I took Amy and Nick to eat lunch at work. We went for some tempura. We all had something different, and we were all impressed with what we got. It was all amazing and it was a lot more food than we expected. Nothing like fried veggies.

Like I said, I always have a good time when Nick's in town or I'm in Bowling Green. I get a little bummed whenever he leaves or I leave, though. Because I know that I have to return to what's going on with me right now. Not to say that I'm miserable, which I'm definitely not, but it always reminds me of all the good times I had in Bowling Green, hanging out with friends, people I have some things in common with. Watching weird movies, having some drinks. It reminds me of what I left behind when I moved here, because although I do the same things here, I do them usually by myself these days.

Pictures of Robots, Part I of III

This is all going to occur in the order it all happened.

Okay, so last Wednesday was Valentine's Day, and Amy and I thought that it would be nice to go out to dinner. There's this place on Broad Street we haven't tried yet called Tumbleweeds, so we decided to try it. Since it was really bad outside on Wednesday, right after that snowstorm that crippled Columbus, I called to see if the place would even be open. Here's the gist of the conversation that occurred between me and the lady that answered.

"Hello, thank you for calling Tumbleweed."
"Hi, I was just calling to see if you guys would be open tonight."
"Well, so far so good."
"Oh, okay, good..."
(Interrupting) "Ok, goodbye."
"Oh, wait, I had another question."
"Oh."
"I was also wondering if you guys took reservations?"
"Uh, not normally, but how many are in your party?"
"Just two of us."
"Oh. No."
"Ah. Well, do you do call-ahead seating?"
"For two people? No."
"Ok...well, thanks."
click

After I hung up with the woman (to be polite), I immediately called Amy to say we weren't going to that restaurant because of the phone conversation. My thought was, if they're going to talk with me on the phone like that, completely rude and bothered to be talking to me, how are they going to treat us if we actually go in there? Amy agreed, and I suggested we go to that Texas Roadhouse place.

Well, unbeknownst to me, Amy emailed the company with the complaint about what my conversation was like. She said something along the lines of how I normally don't get really mad about a lot of things, but that upset me enough to the point where I refused to step foot in the place (I mean, it's called phone etiquette!). Later on, Amy got a phone call from the regional manager of the company, who happened to be in that exact restaurant when he received that email. He apologized profusely, said that that's not normally how we treat our customers, and how after he got that email he pulled together all the wait staff and gave them all a lesson on phone etiquette. He also offered us dinner on him, if we wanted to come in, to which Amy accepted.

So, they held a table for us at 6 p.m. When we walked in the place, it was very packed. There was standing room only in the waiting area. Amy walked up to the host podium, and the hostess asked, "How many for you tonight?"
"Uh, I think you have a table being held for Amy Kirk."
At that point the head host took over. He grabbed two menus and said, "Hello, right this way."
I noticed all the angry looks that the people waiting there gave us. I mean, this exchange all happened in seconds. It was pretty funny.

When we got seated, the guy Amy talked to on the phone came over and apologized again for the poor experience and told us that anything we wanted was on him tonight. He then recommended a few things, among them being the most expensive steak in the house. This, to me, demonstrated that we shouldn't feel guilty about getting what we wanted, because he offered us the highest priced item on the menu. The waitress came over immediately after and took our drink orders. We got appetizers, some strip steaks, dessert, I had some beer, and everything was on the house. While we were finishing our dessert, we were estimating our expenses. We came up with a figure somewhere between 60 and 70 dollars. Oh, and the food was fantastic. The steaks were pretty much perfect. On our way out the door, the manager caught us and again apologized and then thanked us for giving them another chance. We both said thank you for the fantastic meal, and Amy said that we'd definitely be in again.


The lesson here is, don't be afraid to have your girlfriend complain. I'm kind of a timid guy when it comes to complaining about service, especially since I'm in retail. Amy has always been an assertive woman, and that has equaled out to free stuff for us in the past. When we went to Good Times to play mini-golf, the course was all fucked up. So Amy said something, and they gave me like, 20 free tickets and our money back. This is the reason why I think Amy and I are such a good match. We complement each other so well - she gets worked up about a lot of stuff, and I'm usually a lot calmer and easier to laugh. Meanwhile, I'm afraid to tell someone I'm upset with them, and she will complain and get us free stuff.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The great glove parade

The other day at about 6:20 a.m., I am getting in my car and recognizing how ridiculously, unbelievably, unabashedly cold it is. I am also remarking at how I don't have gloves. Thus begins my intrepid expedition to find gloves to wear.

I finally got some today, after going to two Targets, a Meijer, an Old Navy and finally a K-Mart. Why are winter gloves so fucking hard to find? What is it about them that makes finding them an elusive treasure worthy of some Discovery Channel-style documentary? "Shh...there they are...they can smell your fear, just hide hear and watch them in their splendor."


I went into Old Navy and asked the girl working there, and this is the very brief conversation that took place:

"Hi, I was wondering if you had any gloves?"
She hesitated, tossing her head to the side as a gesture of uncertainty. "Mmm, no, I don't think so, sorry. I think all we have left are some women's scarves."
I laugh to myself for a second, questioning the similarities between a women's scarf and a pair of gloves. "Uh...well, that's kinda close, huh?"
"Well, if you're good at sewing..." She responds with this, while making sewing gestures with her hands.
"Hm. Well wouldn't you know it, I left my sewing machine in my other pants. Thanks anyway."
"Sorry, have a nice evening."


All we have left are women's scarves? How does that help my cause? In what fucking dimension would a woman's scarf be a suitable substitute for gloves?


"Hi, I'm looking for a baseball bat."
"Sorry, all we have are water balloons."
"Ah, well that will do, thank you."

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Michael Showalter Showalter

This is the first in a series of Collegehumor.com original shorts featuring Michael Showalter of "The State," "Stella," and so on interviewing his friends. This first one features one of my top 3 favorite comedians ever, Zach Galifianakis. Watch it and vote for it.


Saturday, January 13, 2007

Top ten films I saw in 2006.

I realize this is a little late. However, I feel that as I film enthusiast I owe to at least myself to make a top ten list from 2006. So, here are my ten favorite new films from 2006, in no particular order. You'll note that, although I'm sure there are a bunch of movies that made every other list, I didn't see them and therefore I won't be talking about them at all.

1. Slither: At once a parody of present horror flicks, an homage to past monumental horror flicks, and an original genre entry all its own, this perfectly cast, perfectly delivered film surprised all those who saw it, which was, unfortunately, a dreadfully small group.

2. Casino Royale: If you read my review, you'd have seen that this Bond entry breathed fresh needed air into a series that was dangerously close to parodying itself. It was intense and action-packed. Thank Jeebus for Daniel Craig, who shocked the nay-sayers with his performance.

3. Mission: Impossible: III: I also reviewed this one earlier, and although the bulk of you all hate Tom Cruise for being a nut just like the rest of Hollywood, and he got kicked out of his production company, this film made the Mission: Impossible series a delicious trifecta.

4. Strangers With Candy: I can't believe how funny this movie was. It's one of those classic movies that I'll never get over watching, like Ghostbusters. Doesn't matter how many times I see it, every joke, every performance goes right into my own little lexicon of classics. Everyone in it is mind-blowingly funny.

5. The Protector: At last, one I haven't written about yet. For those unfamiliar, this is the second movie released theatrically in the states by everyone's favorite Muay Thai fighter, Tony Jaa. The nearly 10-minute single-shot scene of him climbing up a set of rotunda stairs, messing up everyone in his way is stunning.

6. Brick: Rian Johnson's genre-melding teen-noir crime drama was thought-provoking and shocking, as well as showing that former teen sitcom stars can be taken seriously. Simply brilliant.

7. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Another 2006 DVD release, this one proves that Val Kilmer needs to return to comedies. The Hollywood schmaltz mixed with the dark-underbelly of Hollywood goings-on turned the "movie about Hollywood" (America's Sweethearts, i.e.) on its ear.

8. The Prestige: I just saw this one a few days ago at the cheap seats, so my head's still reeling. But I will say that Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan were meant for each other. The plot twists, the competitive nature between Bale and Hugh Jackman, Scarlet Johansson, and holy crap - is that David Bowie?! The final twist at the end mimics the infamous line about any trick ("Illusion, Michael."): "Well, once you know the trick, it's really quite obvious."

9. Scary Movie 4: I know what you're thinking, and shut up. It was funny, very funny the first time I saw it. It was very much a ZAZ (Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker) film, in he vein of "Police Squad" and "Airplane." And that nature is: do as many jokes as humanly possible, and see how many of them stick. Every ZAZ film needs a straight-shmoe who isn't in on the joke, and for that part Craig Bierko was very adequate. I laughed so hard during the car-door-locking scene. It was funny, and I don't care what you think.

10. Man with the Screaming Brain: This is my non-2006 entry, and it also changed my perception of things. It proved that shlocky, low-budget straight-to-TV movies can be fun, especially if Bruce Campbell can grace it. A pretty funny idea backed by a considerably strong physical performance by Bruce himself, this one is just plain fun to watch. Marvel as Bruce splits his actions as if two people were controlling his brain (because this is pretty much the bulk of the plot).

And that's it for me. Any comments or anything of that nature can be freely posted here. I'd love to hear back from any of you.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Continuing permutations

You know those HeadOn commercials that everyone was sick of? Where they just said "Head on: apply directly to your forehead," three times in a row, without any pause whatsoever?

And then, they changed it up and made it pause halfway through, and then had someone come on and express that although the have a certain distaste for the commercials, they rather enjoy the actual product?

Well, now everyone's sick of those. I am, at least. Where did they get the actors for this? The one lady looks like they picked her up from her cardboard box home in the alley behind the studio. Did you see her hair? I mean, talk about bag lady.

"Okay, here's the deal: say you like this, and we'll give you a sandwich."
"Do I get paid at all?"
"No. You'll probably just spend it on liquor."

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

A momentary lull in activity

Ah, crap I'm bored.

It's my first of two days off.

No Netflix videos coming my way. I just sent away Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, so I'm awaiting Comedians of Comedy: The Movie.

I went to Best Buy, Half Price Books and Target.

At Target, I bought a Star Wars Lego set, and put together a Chicken Walker while watching "Cowboy Bebop."

I even took a nap for an hour.

It's times like these I miss having any friends at all to hang out with.

Ah, man, what the hell am I gonna do.

Monday, January 08, 2007

GO BUCKS!

Ha. Knew you'd read it if I titled it that.



The whole OH-IO thing, the whole "Columbus shutting down for the game that's in Arizona," the whole "Wear your Bucks gear to work," yeah.

It's all trite.

Here's food for thought: I'm willing to bet that more people of voting eligibility will be watching the game tonight than voted in the last election.

Do stores close early when something important occurs? No. But they do for a goddamn football game. Are we a nation of beer-guzzling, shoutin' at the tv, jersey wearin', pig-bellied, idiot fans? Answer: yes.

This is why high schools get no funding for the arts, yet the football team gets new uniforms every single year.

Here's another good example of how out of control sports, and pointedly football, are in the U.S. When T.O. switched teams, his old team basically wanted him to die. There were public displays in the tail-gater areas of fans carrying around caskets with T.O.'s name embossed on it.

Really? That's how you feel about it? Go ahead and lie in that coffin yourself. Because you're the reason this country is seen as a bunch of fucking idiots.

At what point do people can deconstruct football to a bunch of guys running around, throwing a goddamn eye-shaped ball?


Anyway, that's how I see it.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I apologize for the hiatus. I've been too busy/too lazy to do anything about this.

But I come offering one of the most interesting movies you'll hear about.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is, essentially, a 70's grindhouse flick made in the 2000s, with all the highs and lows inherent within. There's the original idea, the incredibly low budget, the "glorified home-video" feel, the over-the-top bad acting and the rampant blood capsules.

All of those qualities can be seen as both positive and negative.

Here's the premise: mostly female vampires are mysteriously walking around during the day, and only taking lesbians as their victims. The religious community has to get together to stop this, and thus they summon the man himself, Jesus. With Jesus on board, the vampires are sure to stop these lesbo-vamps (un)dead in their tracks. That's pretty much it.

In deference to this flick, I offer a bit of trivia: did you know that JC knows kung-fu? Well, he does. And why shouldn't he? He's no doubt been hanging out with Bruce Lee. He demonstrates his skills as he fends off vampires and, you guessed it, dirty, filthy atheists.

The good: if you love low-budget (Canadian!) flicks with highly original concepts, enjoy getting high while watching movies (I don't, but have been accused), then here you go.

The bad: the dialog goes nowhere from time to time, other than a few hilarious lines that I'll recap, the performances are sometimes a little too over-the-top, and here's the doozy - 20 minutes into the film, JC cuts his hair, gets his ears pierced, a tattoo, and trades in his tunic for black pants and a black t-shirt! What the hell! I wanted to see Jesus Christ whooping vampires, not someone whose name happens to be Jesus.

Here's a good line:
(JC sits in a diner, distraught over getting his ass kicked, and the waitress brings him his dessert, a bowl of ice cream with a bunch of cherries on it. The ice cream starts talking to him.)
JC: Is that you, bowl of cherries?
Ice Cream: Do bowls of cherries talk?
JC: I don't know, I've seen some pretty stuff over the years.

Also, there's a Mexican wrestler called El Santos in it. Natch.

It's cheesy, campy fun. If there were more shots of vampire heads exploding, Troma would've picked it up.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Huzzah

Well, it appears that this is the 100th overall post. To celebrate, I am going to jump right in and do what I started this blog to do: complain about shit.

One of the things that irks me at work is the snootiness of customers when it comes to samples. The mindset is that, "I'm owed this, I expect this, and when it's not here, there's a problem I feel I am the person to bring up."

Another problem with samples is the amount of people that stop by for them without ever buying it. "Just stopping by for my coffee," is something I hear almost everyday. Part two of this is the fact that I have frequent "repeat" customers, stopping by two or three more times to fill up their little sample cups.

That last bit has become so much of a problem that retailers such as Sam's Club has set a few limits. The rule is that every kid has to have an accompanying parent if the little butterball wants a free Bagel Bite.

People get downright mean about it. Yesterday, a dressed-up couple stops by my pump pot, seeking a sample. The man looks at the pump pot's label, and asks me if this is what I had out yesterday. "I don't know," I respond, "I wasn't here yesterday." The man hesitantly picks up a cup and begins pressing down gently on the lever of the pot. The woman comes up behind him and snidely remarks, "That's what they had yesterday," and turns her back immediately. The man looks quickly down at his cup, which is only partly full, and with a "Pfft" tosses it down into the trash bin and walks away.

If that's the way you're going to go about it, I thought, then I don't want you to have any fucking coffee at all. I'll throw it away myself. When was the last time you bought coffee from me? Never, I bet; you're always just passing by for the free shit you think you're owed. It really burns me when people complain about the coffee. I don't know how many times I've been told, "I don't like the dark roasts. You should stay with the lighter coffees." While I'm being told this, of course, the person telling me this is invariably filling up his or her cup anyway.

I don't owe you anything, and you should be lucky I keep putting it out for you. I don't have to keep wasting my coffee away on people who don't appreciate what I'm doing.