Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I apologize for the hiatus. I've been too busy/too lazy to do anything about this.

But I come offering one of the most interesting movies you'll hear about.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is, essentially, a 70's grindhouse flick made in the 2000s, with all the highs and lows inherent within. There's the original idea, the incredibly low budget, the "glorified home-video" feel, the over-the-top bad acting and the rampant blood capsules.

All of those qualities can be seen as both positive and negative.

Here's the premise: mostly female vampires are mysteriously walking around during the day, and only taking lesbians as their victims. The religious community has to get together to stop this, and thus they summon the man himself, Jesus. With Jesus on board, the vampires are sure to stop these lesbo-vamps (un)dead in their tracks. That's pretty much it.

In deference to this flick, I offer a bit of trivia: did you know that JC knows kung-fu? Well, he does. And why shouldn't he? He's no doubt been hanging out with Bruce Lee. He demonstrates his skills as he fends off vampires and, you guessed it, dirty, filthy atheists.

The good: if you love low-budget (Canadian!) flicks with highly original concepts, enjoy getting high while watching movies (I don't, but have been accused), then here you go.

The bad: the dialog goes nowhere from time to time, other than a few hilarious lines that I'll recap, the performances are sometimes a little too over-the-top, and here's the doozy - 20 minutes into the film, JC cuts his hair, gets his ears pierced, a tattoo, and trades in his tunic for black pants and a black t-shirt! What the hell! I wanted to see Jesus Christ whooping vampires, not someone whose name happens to be Jesus.

Here's a good line:
(JC sits in a diner, distraught over getting his ass kicked, and the waitress brings him his dessert, a bowl of ice cream with a bunch of cherries on it. The ice cream starts talking to him.)
JC: Is that you, bowl of cherries?
Ice Cream: Do bowls of cherries talk?
JC: I don't know, I've seen some pretty stuff over the years.

Also, there's a Mexican wrestler called El Santos in it. Natch.

It's cheesy, campy fun. If there were more shots of vampire heads exploding, Troma would've picked it up.