"Can't these fucking retards shut up?"

Preface:
I am not the most politically correct person. Using the word "retarded" doesn't make me really uncomfortable because it's an archaic term. These days when they want to refer to someone who is mentally retarded, the technical term is "cognitively disabled."

Just wanted to say that.

Also, I should warn you that this post is the longest I've done yet. It details my graduation commencement and all the fun there within.




I graduated Saturday morning at approximately 11:00 a.m. The ceremony was miserable.

The note said to be in front of Prout Chapel in your cap and gown at 8:45 to line up with your college. Not a problem. It wasn't really uncomfortable because it was before 9 and we were in the shade. I'd had the foresight to bring a bottle of water with me - a rather large one, at that - to the ceremony, as it was to be held outside in an area with little to no shade. As we line up, I'm thinking, "this won't be so bad. It's not that hot." I was still standing in the shade at this point.

The moment I stepped out into the sun, I thought to myself, "I'm probably going to die."

So we do the whole processional thing. We're walking in a line and I'm walking behind a friend of mine, Betsy, that I did Methods with, and I thought it would be nice to sit next to someone I know. We get separated when the woman asked me to sit on an end seat that was unoccupied a row ahead. Then someone in the row in front of mine asked me to switch with him because he wanted to be with his friends. I said, "whatever." This turned out to be a mistake.

At this point, I'm looking at the program and noticing that the song they keep repeating - you know, the one they play at all graduations across the Universe, no doubt - is called "Pomp and Circumstance." This comes as a great shock to me because I thought the words "Pomp and Circumstance" was just a figure of speech used to denote something high falutin' and hoity-toity (Note: I'm not sure if either of those are real words or even normally used expressions). But, no. It's a song. This fills me with some amount of dread because I now associate graduation commencements as something all hoity-toity, which isn't my bag.

We finally sit down and I am now noticing around me that none of the other graduates are stopping talking. The teacher in me is flipping out. Add that to the fact that I am now in direct sunlight, sitting in black foldable chair in a black cap and a black gown (or should it be African-American, in regards to my note about political correctness?). I am just plain miserable.

The ceremony starts, and the President, Sidney Ribeau is talking. The people behind me are referring to him as "SidReb." This doesn't make sense to me because if it's supposed to be a short version of his name, it should be "SidRib." They guy that wanted to switch with me keeps saying that "SidReb's (SidRib?) got a spinner on his necklace! Alright SidReb!" I pretty much just want him to shut the fuck up. They keep fanning themselves and remarking how hot it is, as if it's news. They say how they wish they'd have brought a bottle of water. I take a sip of my large bottle right in front of them and smile inside.

Fast forward through the ceremony a bit, and graduates around me are going, "This is bullshit! I should leave and get some water." Then they actually get up and leave their chairs to get water. I'm well hydrated, but still fucking miserable and having enough common sense to move as little as possible and not talk, so that I don't become even hotter. One guy goes, "Man, I'm fucking hungry. Is Wendy's open yet? Oh, it's only 10:15. You know what? I'm going to the Union." He gets up and leaves, and returns 45 minutes later with sandwiches and chips, like they're going to help them with the heat.

Audience members who have been instructed not to crowd the aisles are moving up and down the side aisles with cups of water with people. There's a guy with a neck tattoo that says "Cream G." I'm not making that up. He was there a while, so I had enough time to figure out what those shitty cursive/gothic letters said.

"I bet you SidReb's spinner's still goin'."
Thank you for bringing that up again.

Eventually, the ceremony advances onto the part where the new Master students are getting their diplomas, and a good amount of them are international students. Of course the graduates around me are making fun of each and every one of the international students' names. Of course I'm beginning to seriously consider the possibility that they just may be cognitively disabled. I especially consider this when the girl next to me that's graduating Cum Laude is text messaging someone, and her phone keeps beeping, indicating an incoming text message. How hard would it be to turn off the beeper, but continue with the message?

Also, there's a guy in the row ahead of me having a conversation on his phone.

All of this continues on with the Undergraduate students. Sometimes I can't hear the names of the people being presented because the retards are talking so loudly. One of my best friends and former roommate Josh was also graduating, so I was listening especially for him.

Finally the ceremony is over, and all that's left is to recess out of the chairs. We're all standing, and the audience is still sitting. Off to my left my family is sitting not fifty feet away, and I am glad for it because all this time I would occasionally glance over, catch someone's eye and shake my head in utter misery. I catch my brother's eye, and he is motioning for me to just leave, since I am sitting on the end, and it would be very easy for me to just walk away from my chair. I think that he's joking because this is something within his reach of getting me to do something completely stupid. I then catch Amy's eye, who is doing the exact same thing. I think, "Fuck this, I'm out," and just walk away. Everyone looked at me. I didn't feel like an ass at all, seeing as though one of the other graduates left for nearly an hour and came back bearing sandwiches. Once I'm over to my family, my Dad says, "No, you have to go back there."
I reply, "I'm done, let's go."

We walk to a shaded area, and since no one that followed graduation procedure has recessed out, we have plenty of time to take all the pictures they want/need without a crowd. However, about twelve people still manage to walk in front of every picture we're trying to take. Eventually we're done, I take off my gown and we go into the Union to cool off.


I don't really feel any different having graduated. The ceremony seemed like an afterthought because I've been done with all my classes and in Reynoldsburg for more than a month already. I can just say that I'm officially graduated. I didn't toss my cap in the air, but I had a bunch of wine at dinner.